It's Monday morning, and I'm struggling (as I frequently do on beautiful, sunny mornings with the whole, excruciatingly long day ahead of me) with a sense of being lost, directionless, displaced. What should I do? Where should I start? How will I fill this day? It's not that I don't have plenty of stuff to do; the office (currently under renovation) is a shambles, I have business calls to make, and there's always more laundry. It's more like I have no guiding principle or goal or priority to direct the flow of activity. And it's not that I have no purpose or see no value in my life; it's that I can't connect these mundane activities to that sense of purpose (which I hold in my head, but really experience only in fleeting moments).
A few weeks ago in despair I made an analogy to the laundry. No matter how much laundry I do, how well or how often I do it, there's always more laundry. And while I'm not now in despair or hopeless or wilting under a feeling of futility, I just can't seem to Organize my Life.
The kitchen timer has just sounded; mealtimes provide markers throughout my day, and Scott's return from work divides it. Otherwise my day is a formless void that I struggle to fill, and at the end of which I marvel at (anad shame myself over) how little I accomplished in so much time.
so'jurn'. -v. To stay for a time. -n. A temporary stay. "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." -C.S. Lewis
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3 comments:
I guess Monday is Monday even if you don't have an office to go to!
I feel the same way today. Something in the air.
"Tomorrow is another day..."
~Dawn
Thank God!!!
Sound bites
It’s amazing how fear keeps us in place. I wonder what the root of your fear is. What is so powerful or so scary that you keep giving up on yourself for the allusion of normality?
Now that laundry breeds resentment where else are you going to project your fear? Depending on others or external markers to determine your worth is such a huge issue that it almost seems absurd to consider it a pattern.
For me, goals/ direction are the direct result of a drive to be creative. Of course the battle continues.
Being creative is such a burden. Forget whether or not I like what I’m creating. I have to imagine what others will like and proceed accordingly. Oops, I just gave up /lost something of my self, dam that feels icky, hardly worth the effort. When I have to create something for others I just want to take a nap or do laundry or eat. When I create something for myself I’m initially excited but that turns into fear as soon as I judge it from the perspective of “the others”. Then I give up.
It’s funny, Only the stuff that I create that is actually 100% me and that I’m satisfied with is the only time anybody gets excited about my work. And it’s when I know what I want that I’m the happiest. Understanding what I want is the tough part.
I do get appreciation for creating someone else’s vision, but appreciation is not a replacement for excitement.
If I don’t like it it’s not going to happen. Screw the codependence!
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