Family Patterns

There's nothing like the holidays to really bring out the obvious... While spending time around my parents, I noticed some really startling stuff that got me thinking about my own patterns. Ron and I compared notes later, and he referred to this as seeing with his "third eye", which really fits! Click "Read more..." below to see the four things that really jumped out at me.
Take 1:
First, I joined my dad on a shopping expedition for my mom's Christmas gift. She had requested matching wedding rings, which was a tall order considering Dad hand-cast their original matching rings 36 years ago in an Army dental lab in Vietnam. Dad lost his ring years ago, and Mom's no longer fit. But, I digress. So, this particular day Dad is complaining that Mom had added diamonds to her request (she never had a diamond ring), and stressing so much over picking out the wrong thing that he winds up buying nothing at all. Then he wound up taking Mom out later that week so she could pick it herself. See the wound? Whatever I do, it's not good enough.

Take 2:
In the course of lamenting over how hard it is to please Mom (and trust me, I know), Dad tells me a story about buying Mom a new (used) car last month. It was unbelievable. He made the deal of the decade with the dealership, but at every step of the way Mom kept giving him not good enough (I later learned from Ron that her telling Dad "I could have got a better deal if I was with you" was code for "I'm feeling left out"). In the end Mom got the car plus $1000 cash back! Her response to this deal? "Eh, it's okay." After hearing this story I went home to Scott and actually cried telling him that I didn't want to be like this to him, because I can think of specific times I've done it before. He said he didn't think I was like that anymore, at least about material things; but I don't want to tell him it's not good enough when I ask him to spend time with me and he can only give me 15 minutes (remembering that there is a balance so long as I'm asking for what I need).

Take 3:
Still on the shopping trip, I asked Dad what I could get him for Christmas. He said he didn't need anything, then proceeded to point out several items he was interested in. HOWEVER, I almost missed it, because it sounded like this: "Oh, look, electric razors. I was thinking about getting one, but I had one before and it nicked me all the time, aw forget it, I'll just keep using a regular razor." Or looking at cologne gift sets, "You know, I like Stetson, but I don't see why they have to put all these lotions and extra junk in there, all I need is a bottle of cologne." The first couple of times I didn't pay attention--I already knew what I was going to get--but after the third time all of a sudden my third eye opened up and I realized OH MY GOD, THIS IS HOW HE ASKS FOR WHAT HE NEEDS!!!! So I got him a single bottle of Stetson, and for confirmation, when he opened it Christmas Day he grinned and said loudly, "Audrey, you heard me loud and clear, girl; you heard me loud and clear!" HOLY CRAP I nearly fell off my chair I was so shocked--he KNEW what he was doing! And this is where I learned to drop hints instead of asking for what I need straight up; and that if you love me, you'll pay attention and notice.

Take 4:
Christmas Day, Mom is in her usual frenzy of making sure everything is going the way she planned it in her head, the perfect day. This includes making more food than we need (even when we told her we had enough), and requiring us all to sit down together and watch a movie on the big screen (even though half of us had to leave part way through, and she herself never actually sat down in front of the screen). At one point she was interrupting the Actual Good Time we were having by posing us for photos. She called for Dad to take her photo with Jeff and Michele: "Dad, take a picture of us. Dad! RONALD! Come and take a picture! DAD, I want a picture with Jeff, come here please!" Dad, who was in the middle of a conversation and gift-unwrapping, never had a chance to respond before her repeated requests escalated. Scott leaned over to me and said, "Now I know where you get it!" Later he admitted that I did at least give him a chance to answer before I called again! But I know what it's like to feel unheard, and it makes sense that Mom repeats herself so insistently to make sure she is (even if you are thoroughly annoyed by the time she gets your attention!).

Ron and I saw these patterns even more clearly when we went over to have a chat with our parents last Thursday, but that is a whole other post...