Things I want to look at:
How I "ration" attention, believing that I can only get so much from any given person before I reach my quota and am abandoned (e.g., today in group I asked for "two minutes" of time!). As a result, I divide attention between my many concerns, rush to a conclusion and don't really get what I need for any one of them individually (then I get angry with myself for that!). Interesting that this came up today, shortly after I wrote about rationing requests in my last post. I also do this with money; an example occurred just last week, when Scott bought me a gorgeous pair of boots I wanted but was too torn up to buy myself. God, the universe and everything pointing to what I need to look at!
Guilt being a part of that theme, I also want to look at why I separate or disconnect myself from bad happenings (such as my uncle who is currently dying) and the people involved. For one, I can't take care of them (that's about me and not a service to them, I know). Stranger, it's like I "forget" it's happening. But then, it seems I grew up in a family fond of pretending everything is okay, so there's a clue. Also must remember to share this with Scott; that is, all the secrecy and withholding of information, so he can understand why it's so scary for me when he doesn't give me an answer to even the simplest of questions.
Hope I'll be able to decipher this later...
29 November 2005
22 November 2005
Oxygen
I can breathe! Those of you who've known me at least the last couple of years will understand that this is a fact of miraculous proportions. All evening I've been feeling strangely, uneasy even; and a few moments ago while energetically making up the bed around Scott it suddenly hit me: I have energy! Today was my first really good day in ages. I woke up, was alert all day, able to focus on tasks, and most noticeably did NOT experience my usual afternoon lethargic slump, the one where I just want to give up and pass out. It's the "excess" energy that's had me feeling almost restless all day--I had a lot more active hours than I was used to and didn't know what to do with them.
All week I've been waking up in the morning, asking God to help me breathe, and breathing as deeply as I can while I do. I had stopped asking for physical healing a long time ago, rationalizing that if God deemed it in my best interests, he would cure me, and knowing that in any case, I am constantly being healed ("curing" and "healing" not being the same thing). But a few weeks ago I realized this kind of prayer wasn't communicating my truth in any kind of vulnerable way. I was protecting myself from possible disappointment. So I got really vulnerable, and since then I've been training myself to keep asking, vs. giving up (which we learn to do at such an early age)... and pushing against my pattern of "rationing" my requests lest I ask for too much.
All week I've been waking up in the morning, asking God to help me breathe, and breathing as deeply as I can while I do. I had stopped asking for physical healing a long time ago, rationalizing that if God deemed it in my best interests, he would cure me, and knowing that in any case, I am constantly being healed ("curing" and "healing" not being the same thing). But a few weeks ago I realized this kind of prayer wasn't communicating my truth in any kind of vulnerable way. I was protecting myself from possible disappointment. So I got really vulnerable, and since then I've been training myself to keep asking, vs. giving up (which we learn to do at such an early age)... and pushing against my pattern of "rationing" my requests lest I ask for too much.
14 November 2005
Meant to Be!?!
I'm going to LA for the Dressing a Galaxy: The Costumes of Star Wars exhibit!
I had not even considered going (I contented myself with the book) until an off-hand comment by Anthony reminded me that Scott would be in LA twice this month. I thought I could use my frequent flyer miles to join him, until I realized that he's actually staying two hours outside of LA. But the wheels in my head were turning, and I couldn't stop trying to figure out a way to make it work.
I called my friend Gabby, who lives in Phoenix and has seen the exhibit, to ask her if it was worth the expense of the trip. Part of me wanted her to say, "stay home" while the other wanted her to come with me. She immediately went for Door Number Two, so no help there!
But what's really freaking me out is how the whole thing suddenly came together. I keep saying "it's like a miracle," and I'm convinced that it isn't a string of coincidences.
My first clue was that Scott didn't dismiss the idea or write it off as too expensive, but suggested I research actual costs and flight availability (he even helped). The only reason I haven't used my free ticket yet (and believe me, I've tried) is that there are never seats available on the days I can travel. Lo and behold... plenty of seats on choice flights! While I was putting a flight on hold I remembered the thousands of credit card goldpoints we've been hoarding for the last 4 years and wondered if there were any participating hotels near the museum. There were, and even more incredible, there were rooms available on the program. So I reserved four free nights at the Radisson three miles from the museum!
When I called Gabby to give her all this good news, she said she might have a line on a free rental car. Tonight she called to confirm it; her husband's company is loaning him a car for the weekend so she can take the family car! That knocked out all three of our anticipated major expenses; all we have to cover is food, gas, and admission (and of course, souveniers and fabric we plan to buy in the garment district!).
Three days ago I was agonizing and feeling guilty about even considering this trip. There are so many other things we could use the money for (several of which I was feeling guilty about wanting!). I was afraid to go alone, and unhappy with the idea of staying with a relative in LA. I also feared that if I went, I would be so overwhelmed I would freeze, and it would have been a waste of money. Now, not only am I going, but I get to spend four nights with a dear friend (my "sister"!) who I've seen once in the last eight years, and practically for free! It all came together so frighteningly fast that I can't help but wonder if God has some ulterior purpose in it, and marvel at why He would care about this little girl's wish to take a totally frivolous vacation she couldn't possibly have afforded on her own...
I had not even considered going (I contented myself with the book) until an off-hand comment by Anthony reminded me that Scott would be in LA twice this month. I thought I could use my frequent flyer miles to join him, until I realized that he's actually staying two hours outside of LA. But the wheels in my head were turning, and I couldn't stop trying to figure out a way to make it work.
I called my friend Gabby, who lives in Phoenix and has seen the exhibit, to ask her if it was worth the expense of the trip. Part of me wanted her to say, "stay home" while the other wanted her to come with me. She immediately went for Door Number Two, so no help there!
But what's really freaking me out is how the whole thing suddenly came together. I keep saying "it's like a miracle," and I'm convinced that it isn't a string of coincidences.
My first clue was that Scott didn't dismiss the idea or write it off as too expensive, but suggested I research actual costs and flight availability (he even helped). The only reason I haven't used my free ticket yet (and believe me, I've tried) is that there are never seats available on the days I can travel. Lo and behold... plenty of seats on choice flights! While I was putting a flight on hold I remembered the thousands of credit card goldpoints we've been hoarding for the last 4 years and wondered if there were any participating hotels near the museum. There were, and even more incredible, there were rooms available on the program. So I reserved four free nights at the Radisson three miles from the museum!
When I called Gabby to give her all this good news, she said she might have a line on a free rental car. Tonight she called to confirm it; her husband's company is loaning him a car for the weekend so she can take the family car! That knocked out all three of our anticipated major expenses; all we have to cover is food, gas, and admission (and of course, souveniers and fabric we plan to buy in the garment district!).
Three days ago I was agonizing and feeling guilty about even considering this trip. There are so many other things we could use the money for (several of which I was feeling guilty about wanting!). I was afraid to go alone, and unhappy with the idea of staying with a relative in LA. I also feared that if I went, I would be so overwhelmed I would freeze, and it would have been a waste of money. Now, not only am I going, but I get to spend four nights with a dear friend (my "sister"!) who I've seen once in the last eight years, and practically for free! It all came together so frighteningly fast that I can't help but wonder if God has some ulterior purpose in it, and marvel at why He would care about this little girl's wish to take a totally frivolous vacation she couldn't possibly have afforded on her own...
12 November 2005
The End of an Era
We cleaned out the office closet today... These date back some 15-17 years to our college days!
I also found a framed certificate verifying that I had, in fact, attended the National Conference on Student Services. What amazes me is that, not only did I keep this certificate--which is not an award, but proves only that I was physically present at this event--but I FRAMED it and hung it in my professional office! How much external validation of my existence on this planet did I need??
We've been working on our home office for weeks now. One important milestone for me was boxing up my grad school books and professional journals--which were taking up space on a prominently visible bookcase as evidence of my education and professional identity--and donating them to colleagues still practicing in the field. My friend Sandy congratulated me on so setting myself adrift, a reference to a book he gifted me (and which I'm still digesting slowly), Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity. I decided not to hang my degrees, either; they just don't go with the new decor!
This is the way of God's Universe for me: when I need to look at something, everything in my life points to it. There was the office cleaning and book boxing, the chat with Sandy, my recent ambivalence about my business, and two sermons (one by Blake, one by Beverly) about defining destiny (in the now, not only for eternity),moving forward, and not looking back to the "good ol' days". Someone who'd had a similar experience prayed with me and said she heard me as ready to move and already moving towards something... I'm just not sure what! But that's the shift, I think; I've finished with moving away, and am moving towards...
I also found a framed certificate verifying that I had, in fact, attended the National Conference on Student Services. What amazes me is that, not only did I keep this certificate--which is not an award, but proves only that I was physically present at this event--but I FRAMED it and hung it in my professional office! How much external validation of my existence on this planet did I need??
We've been working on our home office for weeks now. One important milestone for me was boxing up my grad school books and professional journals--which were taking up space on a prominently visible bookcase as evidence of my education and professional identity--and donating them to colleagues still practicing in the field. My friend Sandy congratulated me on so setting myself adrift, a reference to a book he gifted me (and which I'm still digesting slowly), Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity. I decided not to hang my degrees, either; they just don't go with the new decor!
This is the way of God's Universe for me: when I need to look at something, everything in my life points to it. There was the office cleaning and book boxing, the chat with Sandy, my recent ambivalence about my business, and two sermons (one by Blake, one by Beverly) about defining destiny (in the now, not only for eternity),moving forward, and not looking back to the "good ol' days". Someone who'd had a similar experience prayed with me and said she heard me as ready to move and already moving towards something... I'm just not sure what! But that's the shift, I think; I've finished with moving away, and am moving towards...
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