31 March 2006
Connecting the dots
I just saw a connection between my last two posts (Trying too hard and Crazy in love). Inbetween realizing that I don't have it all together and now, I've started asking for help. I start most days with some quiet time, bible/study reading, and asking God to fill me with his Spirit and lead me through the day. Some days I feel like I get it, and some days I don't feel anything at all (hm, what was that "book title" Marcie shared just this week, on how feelings can lie!). But what I think I am doing is altering my view, setting my frame for the day. So, everything looks different, and I act different in turn. Hmmmm...
Crazy in Love
The past three weeks or so, I've been finding Scott (my husband) really attractive. Electrifying, even; I'm drawn to him, crazy in love! I've been appreciating him in bits, so tonight I finally shared this all with him.
One thing I've noticed over several weeks (maybe months) is that when Scott asks for me, I respond quickly (or at least tell him right away if I can't). It signifies a level of trust: I have faith that when he calls for me or asks me to do something, he has a good reason (vs. feeling like he's interrupting or demanding, or asking him why). Once he called for me and I came running, to find he just wanted to show me the neighbor's tree blooming, because he knew I'd like it! More recently I've noticed that he responds as quickly to me. He's also asking me for things that in his eyes only I can do, like alter his shooting jacket or help pay the bills. He asks in a way that expresses confidence in me, and I am really responding to that by stepping up (this week he talked me through paying all the bills myself, without either of us getting frustrated!). All these things make me feel treasured and esteemed; for the first time in our relationship I KNOW for SURE he thinks very highly of me.
Now that he is pursuing a hobby he really enjoys (marksmanship), it adds to his attractiveness. It's like he's putting more Scott-ness into the world. That instead of the guy that goes to work all day, then comes home and works around the house, I'm seeing a fuller picture of Scott. I absolutely love watching him at something that's play for him; it brings out facets I don't get to see in the hard working man. I love to see him laugh around the other guys, get excited (in his subdued fashion) when he does well, get totally absorbed in his hobby.
I feel almost like when we were dating; better, actually, full to bursting and content. I can't stop talking about him; little things make me think of him; thinking of him is exciting; and did I mention he is really damn sexy!
I told him all this in a less polished way, and am also writing it so that I don't forget. So that when I get crazy restimulated, I remember all this good. I told him that, too. THIS is the real thing, not the other way around. Amazingly, even though he declined to mirror me, he seemed able to receive; he assured me that he got it, and spontaneously appreciated me for it.
In group a few weeks ago, we talked about passion, how it's related to connection, if you could have it in the middle of all this work. Here it is!
One thing I've noticed over several weeks (maybe months) is that when Scott asks for me, I respond quickly (or at least tell him right away if I can't). It signifies a level of trust: I have faith that when he calls for me or asks me to do something, he has a good reason (vs. feeling like he's interrupting or demanding, or asking him why). Once he called for me and I came running, to find he just wanted to show me the neighbor's tree blooming, because he knew I'd like it! More recently I've noticed that he responds as quickly to me. He's also asking me for things that in his eyes only I can do, like alter his shooting jacket or help pay the bills. He asks in a way that expresses confidence in me, and I am really responding to that by stepping up (this week he talked me through paying all the bills myself, without either of us getting frustrated!). All these things make me feel treasured and esteemed; for the first time in our relationship I KNOW for SURE he thinks very highly of me.
Now that he is pursuing a hobby he really enjoys (marksmanship), it adds to his attractiveness. It's like he's putting more Scott-ness into the world. That instead of the guy that goes to work all day, then comes home and works around the house, I'm seeing a fuller picture of Scott. I absolutely love watching him at something that's play for him; it brings out facets I don't get to see in the hard working man. I love to see him laugh around the other guys, get excited (in his subdued fashion) when he does well, get totally absorbed in his hobby.
I feel almost like when we were dating; better, actually, full to bursting and content. I can't stop talking about him; little things make me think of him; thinking of him is exciting; and did I mention he is really damn sexy!
I told him all this in a less polished way, and am also writing it so that I don't forget. So that when I get crazy restimulated, I remember all this good. I told him that, too. THIS is the real thing, not the other way around. Amazingly, even though he declined to mirror me, he seemed able to receive; he assured me that he got it, and spontaneously appreciated me for it.
In group a few weeks ago, we talked about passion, how it's related to connection, if you could have it in the middle of all this work. Here it is!
06 March 2006
Trying too hard
I'm trying too hard.
My church is currently hosting an event, The Holy Spirit Encounter. This afternoon Blake (our pastor) taught on the Holy Spirit. I have heard him say many times that we can't make things happen, it's the Spirit in us, or the Holy Spirit power that does it. I've never been able to make this jive with not being passive, like people who pray and wait for God to zap them with a magic wand, taking no responsibility or action at all. During a break I asked Blake about this and he said... Good question! It's about being so intimate with God that the Spirit shows you what you need to do (like going to therapy); that the Spirit won't let you be passive, but leads you to action. It made no sense to me before he put it in that context, of intimacy with God, which is a huge theme in everything he teaches and preaches. Then it seemed so simple.
Last night I was totally restimulated by Scott, and although I knew the right, I couldn't bring myself to do it (or rather, I pretended to, in a self-serving way). This morning I read several chapters in the Bible but made no sense of it. I'm missing this intimacy, this power. I used to have it (remember a couple of years ago when Marcie asked me to share how I managed to go into containment during a particularly difficult session with Scott? I went out of the room, had my frustration out with God, and asked for his Holy Spirit power to go back in there and do the right thing even though I didn't feel like it.). How do I get it back? Blake said keep surrendering, keep asking.
Blake said most people relate to God the way they related to their father. Hm, Marcie once said almost the same thing--that people put their childhood wounds on God. That explains a lot!
A couple of weeks ago my "news & goods" was how I'd been smacked with the realization (through another Scott-moment) that as much as I thought I knew and as "advanced" as I thought I was, I'm NOT! Tonight that was even more startlingly obvious. I also realized that it has been a good long while since I have truly been in the service of anyone. Like when I'm in "containment" with Scott, instead of being in his service I am cleverly trying to manipulate (but I can fool myself into thinking I'm in his service). And when people call me for help or attention, I stay in my head and egotistically give them advice out of what I know instead of being curious, asking questions or offering validation, contradiction, or attention that helps them move into discharge and healing. I separate myself with the idea that I am somehow better because I once admitted I was worse (and judging the Christians who don't). But I am putting less out there these days. As if I have "arrived" at some level and shouldn't have to do any more work in humility, that Scott (and others) should now be doing for me. And I try to make them, in roundabout ways that seem therapeutically correct (Marcie might say, "NICE TRY!!!").
Can I apply this realization? Obviously not without Holy Spirit power and lots of help! I asked God to keep showing me, breaking me. I used to be broken, to experience "Godly sorrow" and the surprisingly wonderful things that came out of it. But I guess I can't experience it once and expect that to serve me the rest of my life!
P.S. I have lately been trying to figure out what to do with my life next (focussing on the outcome instead of embracing the process, which is very much related to everything I'm writing). Flipping through a book by Harry and Cheryl Salem entitled Distractions from Destiny, my eyes fell on a page that said, if you don't know what to do with your life, stop seeking what you should do and seek God! After all I've been through I still can't say I know how to seek God, so I don't think it's any coincidence that I'm at this place at this time, when PCUMC is hosting three days on doing just that.
My church is currently hosting an event, The Holy Spirit Encounter. This afternoon Blake (our pastor) taught on the Holy Spirit. I have heard him say many times that we can't make things happen, it's the Spirit in us, or the Holy Spirit power that does it. I've never been able to make this jive with not being passive, like people who pray and wait for God to zap them with a magic wand, taking no responsibility or action at all. During a break I asked Blake about this and he said... Good question! It's about being so intimate with God that the Spirit shows you what you need to do (like going to therapy); that the Spirit won't let you be passive, but leads you to action. It made no sense to me before he put it in that context, of intimacy with God, which is a huge theme in everything he teaches and preaches. Then it seemed so simple.
Last night I was totally restimulated by Scott, and although I knew the right, I couldn't bring myself to do it (or rather, I pretended to, in a self-serving way). This morning I read several chapters in the Bible but made no sense of it. I'm missing this intimacy, this power. I used to have it (remember a couple of years ago when Marcie asked me to share how I managed to go into containment during a particularly difficult session with Scott? I went out of the room, had my frustration out with God, and asked for his Holy Spirit power to go back in there and do the right thing even though I didn't feel like it.). How do I get it back? Blake said keep surrendering, keep asking.
Blake said most people relate to God the way they related to their father. Hm, Marcie once said almost the same thing--that people put their childhood wounds on God. That explains a lot!
A couple of weeks ago my "news & goods" was how I'd been smacked with the realization (through another Scott-moment) that as much as I thought I knew and as "advanced" as I thought I was, I'm NOT! Tonight that was even more startlingly obvious. I also realized that it has been a good long while since I have truly been in the service of anyone. Like when I'm in "containment" with Scott, instead of being in his service I am cleverly trying to manipulate (but I can fool myself into thinking I'm in his service). And when people call me for help or attention, I stay in my head and egotistically give them advice out of what I know instead of being curious, asking questions or offering validation, contradiction, or attention that helps them move into discharge and healing. I separate myself with the idea that I am somehow better because I once admitted I was worse (and judging the Christians who don't). But I am putting less out there these days. As if I have "arrived" at some level and shouldn't have to do any more work in humility, that Scott (and others) should now be doing for me. And I try to make them, in roundabout ways that seem therapeutically correct (Marcie might say, "NICE TRY!!!").
Can I apply this realization? Obviously not without Holy Spirit power and lots of help! I asked God to keep showing me, breaking me. I used to be broken, to experience "Godly sorrow" and the surprisingly wonderful things that came out of it. But I guess I can't experience it once and expect that to serve me the rest of my life!
P.S. I have lately been trying to figure out what to do with my life next (focussing on the outcome instead of embracing the process, which is very much related to everything I'm writing). Flipping through a book by Harry and Cheryl Salem entitled Distractions from Destiny, my eyes fell on a page that said, if you don't know what to do with your life, stop seeking what you should do and seek God! After all I've been through I still can't say I know how to seek God, so I don't think it's any coincidence that I'm at this place at this time, when PCUMC is hosting three days on doing just that.
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