An illusion

Well, it's been an entirely difficult and restimulating day all the way around. Lately I've begun to wonder if I'm in love with the idea that I work hard in my marriage, because I certainly don't feel I've actually been tackling any work lately, or at least not going into containment as willingly or completely as I used to. Sometimes I flatly refuse it, and then weep because both the refusal and willingness are half-hearted, and I can't have the satisfaction either of acting out or doing the right thing. I've a certain amount of pride in what I've accomplished over the last four years, and less patience with those who give up, which is quite different from how I used to feel (compassion and grief). So now I'm thinking these are shells I'm building around my own dissatisfaction, so I don't have to look at it. Shaina, if you're reading, thanks for sending the notes today; they were timely!


Today we rented Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. There's a scene where Christopher Lee (as Willie Wonka's dentist father) declares that no son of his would ever be a chocolatier. When young Willie decides to leave home to pursue his passion, his father threatens, "I won't be here when you get back" (way to inflict that Exploration wound, dad!). When he returns a few hours later, not only is his father gone but his entire home has been ripped from the block of townhouses, leaving only snow drifting into the gaping hole. I thought, it's really that terrifying when we're kids; it feels like we're going to die.

I'm Back

I returned from L.A. about two hours ago. I'm so emotionally spent right now. I didn't realize how much so until I tried to describe bits of my experiences to Scott. Saturday I felt like I'd lived a whole week in one day; every couple of hours was a complete change from the ones before. The trip was filled with so many highs and lows, I feel like I crammed a whole month's worth of emotional/spiritual experiences into a four-day weekend. So when Scott asked how the trip was, I couldn't process. I want to journal about it, but right now I'm afraid all I'd wind up doing is recording a laundry list of activities. So I'll try to absorb it instead.

Wake up call

Last night we were up so late that by the time we remembered to call for a wake-up call, the hotel staff weren't answering the phone. So after trying to figure out how to set the bedside alarm clock and the alarm feature on my celphone, I asked God to please make sure I woke up by 6:30 so I wouldn't miss my ride or flight! Oddly for me, I actually had the sense that he would wake me. At 6:19AM, my celphone rang. It was one of my good hostesses, calling me at a decent East Coast hour. As soon as I hung up I realized this was God's wake up call and had a good laugh. I'll have to call and tell her tomorrow; she felt so bad for waking me!

Off to L.A.!

I've been experiencing a LOT of anxiety about leaving on this trip, so much that this morning my heart was racing. I deliberately went to sewing class, anyway, because I knew once I was there with nothing to do but sew, I could take my mind off the zillion things around the house I kept imagining needed to be done. My plan worked (mwah-ha-ha!!), for a few hours, at least.

I also called people, and four or five conversations later, I'm feeling much better. I really want to be excited about this trip... I am excited! Going to spend a little quality time with Scott, who's willing to session with me (what a great guy), and then in a few short hours I'm on a plane for the West coast!

If you're interested, I plan to audioblog from the road. Audioposts should show up on this page. Enjoy!