An illusion

Well, it's been an entirely difficult and restimulating day all the way around. Lately I've begun to wonder if I'm in love with the idea that I work hard in my marriage, because I certainly don't feel I've actually been tackling any work lately, or at least not going into containment as willingly or completely as I used to. Sometimes I flatly refuse it, and then weep because both the refusal and willingness are half-hearted, and I can't have the satisfaction either of acting out or doing the right thing. I've a certain amount of pride in what I've accomplished over the last four years, and less patience with those who give up, which is quite different from how I used to feel (compassion and grief). So now I'm thinking these are shells I'm building around my own dissatisfaction, so I don't have to look at it. Shaina, if you're reading, thanks for sending the notes today; they were timely!


Today we rented Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. There's a scene where Christopher Lee (as Willie Wonka's dentist father) declares that no son of his would ever be a chocolatier. When young Willie decides to leave home to pursue his passion, his father threatens, "I won't be here when you get back" (way to inflict that Exploration wound, dad!). When he returns a few hours later, not only is his father gone but his entire home has been ripped from the block of townhouses, leaving only snow drifting into the gaping hole. I thought, it's really that terrifying when we're kids; it feels like we're going to die.