Idiosyncracy

I learned something astonishing over the weekend... Tagalog (the Phillipine national language) doesn't use genders! You have to get it from context, or specific references to male or female persons. I was asking Mom to translate something when she explained this to me. "That's why we have so much trouble with 'she' and 'he'," she said.

Gramma had more trouble than Mom, and in my mind's eye I saw myself correcting her as she shook her head, annoyed at herself. I'd heard stories of what a sharp businesswoman she was in the Phillipines, seen photos of her successful shop, knew she'd been in political inner circles, but could never reconcile these things with the image of my perpetually befuddled grandmother. I knew her to be stubborn at best, manipulative at worst, and very proud. Granpapa made fun of her English, which made all of us kids angry, only his English was worse.

Suddenly a dozen tumblers in my head clicked into place and triggered a cascade of emotional reactions. In 34-1/2 years, why had I never known this? It was simultaneously eye-opening and confusing. Part of me saw my grandmother in a curious new light, while another part struggled with some feeling of betrayal, and another grieved for all these years laboring under misconception. Right now, I'm amazed and confused at the depth of my reaction at the simple discovery of an idiosyncracy in my mother's native tongue. It might not have made much of a difference, but I can't help feeling it would have made some difference.

And now, all of a sudden, I want to learn this language. I always wanted my future children to learn it, never hoping that I could even begin to decipher it at my age even if I had the dedication. I'm remembering, ironically, how much difficulty I have remembering the difference between two simple greetings (much less adapting to a system laden with gender pronouns!). But even a few words and phrases will be enough.

Expectations

Joyce Meyer today, on why couples can get bitter: dashed expectations.

Your spouse doesn't meet your expectations. The problem is, half the time they don't know you're expecting it! So either (a) learn to communicate your needs, because spouses aren't mind-readers; or (b) what you want is not a need you can expect them to meet, such as "make me happy".

This is why we have to give each other the road map to what we need. But after spending a lifetime ignoring our own needs, they are so difficult to name!

Downshifting

Conflict is growth trying to happen. The last few weeks (months?) we've been hitting the same wall over and over, painting the target for where we need to grow next. We're ready for a shift in our relationship, to the next level. But change is never comfortable and so we have creatively invented new and subtle ways to preserve the status quo.

For my part, I used to know how to handle this particular conflict, which I did quite successfully. But lately I just feel frustrated, drained, and tired. Denied the momentary satisfaction of my old pattern (getting the last biting word, leaving the room), but too exhausted to take genuinely loving actions instead, I've created an escape. I go to a neutral place, where physically I remain but emotionally I go flat, neither angry nor loving, creating for Scott the illusion of connection and for myself an alternative to the high road.

I'd noticed this change, but not been able to name it until we discussed a homework assignment in group. Then I realized, it's as wrong as the old pattern was, which made me feel even more frustrated and tired. And what's wrong is not just the way I'm enabling Scott, but how I'm abandoning myself in the process. (It's true... you really are just hurting yourself.)

A friend said, feeling drained and exhausted usually precedes the paradigm shift for him; and so for this reason he was glad and encouraged me. Listening to him, I got an image of myself downshifting to go to the next gear, of gathering myself for the change, instead of giving up from exhaustion.

Now whether I'll be able to follow through remains to be seen. The actions I need to take cause me nearly as much anxiety and guilt as the relief I know they will bring. But I know the only way out is through. And if I fail, well, that's why there's grace, and safe people to help me try again.

Ebullience

I'm costuming again. I feel so creative, powerful. Experimenting, problem-solving, getting inspired, figuring things out as I go. It's a heady feeling, discovering I am capable (like I felt wielding the air gun on the re-upholstered chair). But there's more. An ebullience, a lightness, lifting, excitement, anticipation... joy? Giddy, giggly in an I-can't-wait sort of way; it's going to look really good! But as always when I notice it, I am already trying to quell it, press it back down to flat neutrality. Why am I not allowed to feel excitement, anticipation? It's like when I first surfaced from depression and recognized a feeling I had not had in years... optimism. It feels like this. The obvious answer would be a recording like "don't get your hopes up". Don't we all know that one! But this--ebullience--I want to feel!