31 July 2005
I'm Back
Just returned this evening from the Southern Living At HOME national convention in Atlanta. I'm reeling... so much inflow, so much to process! A few highlights: Sandi Patty... Tom Barret... David Phelps... a new compensation plan that brings qualifications in line with target behaviors (really the first tumbler in the lock that made me consider committing the Year that Jerry asked us for)... Connie Ashburn and Lori Grimes revelation that 2.5 years (where I am) is the place where many feel they are working harder and earning less, and that this is the ONE-YARD LINE, and many give up before making the touchdown, which comes in years 3-5 (the second major tumbler to click in my head). Diane Mooney saying that when we ask someone to join us, we are really saying "I've got to get you into my life!" Loving on Brenda and Kelly, and being loved on by them--that connection all weekend was what I needed most, and made me feel most warm and alive. Discharge, lots of it, and not in any of the places I expected. A stunning note from Katie... wow, in one weekend, this is what she gets from me? Holy cow. Have not yet been able to fully receive it.
19 July 2005
Steel
Feeling much better today...
Found out over the weekend that both Alleve Cold & Sinus and Nyquil contain the same active ingredient as Sudafed--the one that won't let me sleep! So in addition to being sick, I couldn't get any rest.
For our 11th anniversary Saturday, Scott gave me the traditional gift of steel in the form of a solid three-pound brick which he milled himself; every plane is exactly 90 degrees to its neighbors. It's a nice follow-up to last year's eight-ounce block of solid aluminum (the traditional 10th anniversary gift--who comes up with these things??). The year before he surprised me with two gigantic planting pots for the patio (the 9th anniversary is, you guessed it, pottery). I really enjoy his engineer-brand of creativity! So this year I jumped into his game, and gave him a set of steel tools he'd been after.
Since I wasn't feeling well, we decided to forgo the nice dinner out in favor of a dvd ("Hitch") and Chinese take-out (chicken soup, in my case). We also hooked up Xbox Live and installed the new Halo2 maps. He spent a lot of time with me (when I wasn't drugged or asleep) and I soaked up the attention.
The other night I had a chance to hook up with my brothers for a few games on Xbox Live. It's a totally different animal from playing split-screen with Scott! First of all, Scott and I are pretty evenly matched--Ron and Jeff are way out of our league. Secondly, no glimpses of my opponents screen to clue me in on their location. Lastly, a free-for-all between five players is a lot more confusing than a one-on-one! Needless to say, I got whipped. The guys took turns putting me on their teams, since I was an asset to no one!
Found out over the weekend that both Alleve Cold & Sinus and Nyquil contain the same active ingredient as Sudafed--the one that won't let me sleep! So in addition to being sick, I couldn't get any rest.
For our 11th anniversary Saturday, Scott gave me the traditional gift of steel in the form of a solid three-pound brick which he milled himself; every plane is exactly 90 degrees to its neighbors. It's a nice follow-up to last year's eight-ounce block of solid aluminum (the traditional 10th anniversary gift--who comes up with these things??). The year before he surprised me with two gigantic planting pots for the patio (the 9th anniversary is, you guessed it, pottery). I really enjoy his engineer-brand of creativity! So this year I jumped into his game, and gave him a set of steel tools he'd been after.
Since I wasn't feeling well, we decided to forgo the nice dinner out in favor of a dvd ("Hitch") and Chinese take-out (chicken soup, in my case). We also hooked up Xbox Live and installed the new Halo2 maps. He spent a lot of time with me (when I wasn't drugged or asleep) and I soaked up the attention.
The other night I had a chance to hook up with my brothers for a few games on Xbox Live. It's a totally different animal from playing split-screen with Scott! First of all, Scott and I are pretty evenly matched--Ron and Jeff are way out of our league. Secondly, no glimpses of my opponents screen to clue me in on their location. Lastly, a free-for-all between five players is a lot more confusing than a one-on-one! Needless to say, I got whipped. The guys took turns putting me on their teams, since I was an asset to no one!
15 July 2005
Relativity
Integration = one life. It's amazing how everything is related. The last couple of weeks I've been in a low-energy slump (see previous posts). With Star Wars Weekends over and my vacation pieces completed, I decided to work on some repairs: an alteration, a broken zipper, a hem. I don't think I ever worked so slow in my life! Not only were the tasks themselves uninspiring (though educational), but they played right into my current struggle with "I can't get ahead"--they felt like tasks I would never finish! That day I actually packed up and left class early--I'm usually the last one to leave.
So last week in class I made a conscious decision to start something different and new. In one day, I nearly completed a new pair of capris-length pants in a fun, flowy print... AND found the energy to complete my repair jobs later in the week at home. Even in sewing, consciousness and intention made a difference!
So last week in class I made a conscious decision to start something different and new. In one day, I nearly completed a new pair of capris-length pants in a fun, flowy print... AND found the energy to complete my repair jobs later in the week at home. Even in sewing, consciousness and intention made a difference!
Connection is everything
Every day I write a new post in my head, but somehow it never makes it to the computer screen. I'm probably waiting until I can write it perfectly... So, changing tracks here: this blog is no longer limited to Deep Thoughts. I'm going to write them anyway, but I'm giving myself permission to record anything I feel like writing on a given day without first evaluating it. After all, it's for me, isn't it? I'm guessing I'll have to remind myself frequently!
Today, the eve of my 11th wedding anniversary (16 years, 1 month with Scott)... feeling unfortunately crappy. Have either a bad summer cold or the beginnings of a lovely URI. And just as my energy was coming back (way to rub it in the "I CAN'T WIN" wound!)! The last three days have been my best in several weeks, during which (I finally realized) I've been in a sort of numb, mildly depressed state. Wednesday, far from being "hump day", was my highlight of the week--a full, active day from the minute I got out of bed at 8:30AM and didn't feel like getting back in, till I fell asleep without a book around midnight. A far cry from Tuesday only a week ago, when I woke up and clearly thought, "I have no reason to get up today." I attribute the difference to some hard work and good attention from group, friends, Scott, and complete strangers, including two Publix checkout clerks who noticed and remembered me! Connection is everything... I'm actually feeling better just writing about this!
One of my hardest tasks was to ask Scott to step up so that I could take a break. It's like I've been sliding down an uphill climb--can't win, can't get ahead, can't make a difference, don't matter. It feels good to have made a decision to REST. (Yes, I think I made a decision!) What that's going to look like in practice, guess I'm going to find out! I want to be clear on the difference between "resting" and "giving up"--for so many years they meant the same thing.
Did I say I wasn't going to write Deep Thoughts? I don't think so...!
Today, the eve of my 11th wedding anniversary (16 years, 1 month with Scott)... feeling unfortunately crappy. Have either a bad summer cold or the beginnings of a lovely URI. And just as my energy was coming back (way to rub it in the "I CAN'T WIN" wound!)! The last three days have been my best in several weeks, during which (I finally realized) I've been in a sort of numb, mildly depressed state. Wednesday, far from being "hump day", was my highlight of the week--a full, active day from the minute I got out of bed at 8:30AM and didn't feel like getting back in, till I fell asleep without a book around midnight. A far cry from Tuesday only a week ago, when I woke up and clearly thought, "I have no reason to get up today." I attribute the difference to some hard work and good attention from group, friends, Scott, and complete strangers, including two Publix checkout clerks who noticed and remembered me! Connection is everything... I'm actually feeling better just writing about this!
One of my hardest tasks was to ask Scott to step up so that I could take a break. It's like I've been sliding down an uphill climb--can't win, can't get ahead, can't make a difference, don't matter. It feels good to have made a decision to REST. (Yes, I think I made a decision!) What that's going to look like in practice, guess I'm going to find out! I want to be clear on the difference between "resting" and "giving up"--for so many years they meant the same thing.
Did I say I wasn't going to write Deep Thoughts? I don't think so...!
05 July 2005
There's always more laundry
No matter what i do, there's always going to be more laundry.
defeatedness. i just want to win, i want to matter, vs.. no matter what i do it doesn't make a difference.
woke up this morning with clear thought: i have no reason to get up today.
life is a series of disconnected activities--work, laundry, sewing, fun or not. they don't fit into a scheme, purpose, reason for being. it's not like i'm trying to be a good housewife, can't see how it fits into a larger picture of making a comfortable home or building a career.
containment is becoming an exercise, vs. real curiousity. it looks, smells, feels, sounds like containment, but it's exhausting instead of connecting.
truth can be fierce. "you may not feel safe, AND you are safe, so go for it".
defeatedness. i just want to win, i want to matter, vs.. no matter what i do it doesn't make a difference.
woke up this morning with clear thought: i have no reason to get up today.
life is a series of disconnected activities--work, laundry, sewing, fun or not. they don't fit into a scheme, purpose, reason for being. it's not like i'm trying to be a good housewife, can't see how it fits into a larger picture of making a comfortable home or building a career.
containment is becoming an exercise, vs. real curiousity. it looks, smells, feels, sounds like containment, but it's exhausting instead of connecting.
truth can be fierce. "you may not feel safe, AND you are safe, so go for it".
04 July 2005
Adventure on the 4th
Yesterday at church we recited the Pledge of Allegiance at all three services... and every time I started to cry. Almost didn't finish it the first service, and assumed it wouldn't affect me the next two...
Ended our 4th celebration today with a little adventure! We took the boat out to see what fireworks we could catch from the lake. Usually we can see the tops of the big shows from downtown, around the city and the sky-glow from the theme parks, as well as sometimes spectacular local stuff going up around the lake. Since the weather was clear today (first time in weeks!) and fire danger low (ha!), I guess people stockpiled fireworks, b/c it seemed especially noisy. So we decided to take Arrow with us.
Everything was great as we headed out--not too muggy, a breeze to keep bugs from gathering on the nav lights, and some fancy rockets already going up along the shore. Crossing into the northwest lake, we felt the first raindrops. A few minutes after we staked out our observation spot, we saw the rain marching across the lake. Assuming it would blow over, we huddled under the bimini and waited. Arrow got the dry spot, the driver's seat, where (for a wonder) she sat calmly. When the wind was in danger of blowing us into shore, Scott cranked up the engine and motored slowly away. We figured if we headed home at a sedate pace, we could stay reasonably dry and avoid rain sheeting under the bimini.
Then lightning flashed, and all bets were off! Scott pushed the motor with a little more urgency. With the next two lightning strikes (one which I thought I saw touch down), he revved it up and let it go! He got the worst of it; even though he had the rain jacket, he kept ducking around the windshield so he could see where he was going (he said later, amazing how little you can see without windshield wipers!). I had wrapped a large towel around my waist and another thrown over my head and shoulders; they and the jacket underneath got soaking wet, but kept my shirt mostly dry. I sat behind Scott with my back to the rain. Arrow was in the rear, and seemed perfectly content to rest her chin on the side of the boat, for all the world like hanging her head out the car window in a driving rain!
As we neared our cove, I could already see fireworks resuming (they all seemed extinguished when the rain started) on the south side of the lake. Strange. Then when we got home, we turned the t.v. on and the downtown fireworks were high and dry! Doppler showed a narrow squall line that just sprung up and hit us!
Scott rammed the boat up the shore and we all jumped out and ran for it. He went back after to tie it up. We looked like a pack of drowned rats. I was in the best shape and toweled Arrow off, and brought a dry one for Scott--he had to strip at the back door. What the f!!! he laughed. Next time we'll check the weather report!
I felt high and laughing, the most alive I've felt in days. So weird though that downtown, less then 10 minutes away was in the clear! Too bad the fireworks were uninspired. It's almost 11 now and there are stillrockets going off--guess everyone has to use them up now that it's stopped raining!
Ended our 4th celebration today with a little adventure! We took the boat out to see what fireworks we could catch from the lake. Usually we can see the tops of the big shows from downtown, around the city and the sky-glow from the theme parks, as well as sometimes spectacular local stuff going up around the lake. Since the weather was clear today (first time in weeks!) and fire danger low (ha!), I guess people stockpiled fireworks, b/c it seemed especially noisy. So we decided to take Arrow with us.
Everything was great as we headed out--not too muggy, a breeze to keep bugs from gathering on the nav lights, and some fancy rockets already going up along the shore. Crossing into the northwest lake, we felt the first raindrops. A few minutes after we staked out our observation spot, we saw the rain marching across the lake. Assuming it would blow over, we huddled under the bimini and waited. Arrow got the dry spot, the driver's seat, where (for a wonder) she sat calmly. When the wind was in danger of blowing us into shore, Scott cranked up the engine and motored slowly away. We figured if we headed home at a sedate pace, we could stay reasonably dry and avoid rain sheeting under the bimini.
Then lightning flashed, and all bets were off! Scott pushed the motor with a little more urgency. With the next two lightning strikes (one which I thought I saw touch down), he revved it up and let it go! He got the worst of it; even though he had the rain jacket, he kept ducking around the windshield so he could see where he was going (he said later, amazing how little you can see without windshield wipers!). I had wrapped a large towel around my waist and another thrown over my head and shoulders; they and the jacket underneath got soaking wet, but kept my shirt mostly dry. I sat behind Scott with my back to the rain. Arrow was in the rear, and seemed perfectly content to rest her chin on the side of the boat, for all the world like hanging her head out the car window in a driving rain!
As we neared our cove, I could already see fireworks resuming (they all seemed extinguished when the rain started) on the south side of the lake. Strange. Then when we got home, we turned the t.v. on and the downtown fireworks were high and dry! Doppler showed a narrow squall line that just sprung up and hit us!
Scott rammed the boat up the shore and we all jumped out and ran for it. He went back after to tie it up. We looked like a pack of drowned rats. I was in the best shape and toweled Arrow off, and brought a dry one for Scott--he had to strip at the back door. What the f!!! he laughed. Next time we'll check the weather report!
I felt high and laughing, the most alive I've felt in days. So weird though that downtown, less then 10 minutes away was in the clear! Too bad the fireworks were uninspired. It's almost 11 now and there are stillrockets going off--guess everyone has to use them up now that it's stopped raining!
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