Connection is everything

Every day I write a new post in my head, but somehow it never makes it to the computer screen. I'm probably waiting until I can write it perfectly... So, changing tracks here: this blog is no longer limited to Deep Thoughts. I'm going to write them anyway, but I'm giving myself permission to record anything I feel like writing on a given day without first evaluating it. After all, it's for me, isn't it? I'm guessing I'll have to remind myself frequently!

Today, the eve of my 11th wedding anniversary (16 years, 1 month with Scott)... feeling unfortunately crappy. Have either a bad summer cold or the beginnings of a lovely URI. And just as my energy was coming back (way to rub it in the "I CAN'T WIN" wound!)! The last three days have been my best in several weeks, during which (I finally realized) I've been in a sort of numb, mildly depressed state. Wednesday, far from being "hump day", was my highlight of the week--a full, active day from the minute I got out of bed at 8:30AM and didn't feel like getting back in, till I fell asleep without a book around midnight. A far cry from Tuesday only a week ago, when I woke up and clearly thought, "I have no reason to get up today." I attribute the difference to some hard work and good attention from group, friends, Scott, and complete strangers, including two Publix checkout clerks who noticed and remembered me! Connection is everything... I'm actually feeling better just writing about this!

One of my hardest tasks was to ask Scott to step up so that I could take a break. It's like I've been sliding down an uphill climb--can't win, can't get ahead, can't make a difference, don't matter. It feels good to have made a decision to REST. (Yes, I think I made a decision!) What that's going to look like in practice, guess I'm going to find out! I want to be clear on the difference between "resting" and "giving up"--for so many years they meant the same thing.

Did I say I wasn't going to write Deep Thoughts? I don't think so...!