Downshifting

Conflict is growth trying to happen. The last few weeks (months?) we've been hitting the same wall over and over, painting the target for where we need to grow next. We're ready for a shift in our relationship, to the next level. But change is never comfortable and so we have creatively invented new and subtle ways to preserve the status quo.

For my part, I used to know how to handle this particular conflict, which I did quite successfully. But lately I just feel frustrated, drained, and tired. Denied the momentary satisfaction of my old pattern (getting the last biting word, leaving the room), but too exhausted to take genuinely loving actions instead, I've created an escape. I go to a neutral place, where physically I remain but emotionally I go flat, neither angry nor loving, creating for Scott the illusion of connection and for myself an alternative to the high road.

I'd noticed this change, but not been able to name it until we discussed a homework assignment in group. Then I realized, it's as wrong as the old pattern was, which made me feel even more frustrated and tired. And what's wrong is not just the way I'm enabling Scott, but how I'm abandoning myself in the process. (It's true... you really are just hurting yourself.)

A friend said, feeling drained and exhausted usually precedes the paradigm shift for him; and so for this reason he was glad and encouraged me. Listening to him, I got an image of myself downshifting to go to the next gear, of gathering myself for the change, instead of giving up from exhaustion.

Now whether I'll be able to follow through remains to be seen. The actions I need to take cause me nearly as much anxiety and guilt as the relief I know they will bring. But I know the only way out is through. And if I fail, well, that's why there's grace, and safe people to help me try again.