Trying too hard

I'm trying too hard.

My church is currently hosting an event, The Holy Spirit Encounter. This afternoon Blake (our pastor) taught on the Holy Spirit. I have heard him say many times that we can't make things happen, it's the Spirit in us, or the Holy Spirit power that does it. I've never been able to make this jive with not being passive, like people who pray and wait for God to zap them with a magic wand, taking no responsibility or action at all. During a break I asked Blake about this and he said... Good question! It's about being so intimate with God that the Spirit shows you what you need to do (like going to therapy); that the Spirit won't let you be passive, but leads you to action. It made no sense to me before he put it in that context, of intimacy with God, which is a huge theme in everything he teaches and preaches. Then it seemed so simple.

Last night I was totally restimulated by Scott, and although I knew the right, I couldn't bring myself to do it (or rather, I pretended to, in a self-serving way). This morning I read several chapters in the Bible but made no sense of it. I'm missing this intimacy, this power. I used to have it (remember a couple of years ago when Marcie asked me to share how I managed to go into containment during a particularly difficult session with Scott? I went out of the room, had my frustration out with God, and asked for his Holy Spirit power to go back in there and do the right thing even though I didn't feel like it.). How do I get it back? Blake said keep surrendering, keep asking.

Blake said most people relate to God the way they related to their father. Hm, Marcie once said almost the same thing--that people put their childhood wounds on God. That explains a lot!

A couple of weeks ago my "news & goods" was how I'd been smacked with the realization (through another Scott-moment) that as much as I thought I knew and as "advanced" as I thought I was, I'm NOT! Tonight that was even more startlingly obvious. I also realized that it has been a good long while since I have truly been in the service of anyone. Like when I'm in "containment" with Scott, instead of being in his service I am cleverly trying to manipulate (but I can fool myself into thinking I'm in his service). And when people call me for help or attention, I stay in my head and egotistically give them advice out of what I know instead of being curious, asking questions or offering validation, contradiction, or attention that helps them move into discharge and healing. I separate myself with the idea that I am somehow better because I once admitted I was worse (and judging the Christians who don't). But I am putting less out there these days. As if I have "arrived" at some level and shouldn't have to do any more work in humility, that Scott (and others) should now be doing for me. And I try to make them, in roundabout ways that seem therapeutically correct (Marcie might say, "NICE TRY!!!").

Can I apply this realization? Obviously not without Holy Spirit power and lots of help! I asked God to keep showing me, breaking me. I used to be broken, to experience "Godly sorrow" and the surprisingly wonderful things that came out of it. But I guess I can't experience it once and expect that to serve me the rest of my life!

P.S. I have lately been trying to figure out what to do with my life next (focussing on the outcome instead of embracing the process, which is very much related to everything I'm writing). Flipping through a book by Harry and Cheryl Salem entitled Distractions from Destiny, my eyes fell on a page that said, if you don't know what to do with your life, stop seeking what you should do and seek God! After all I've been through I still can't say I know how to seek God, so I don't think it's any coincidence that I'm at this place at this time, when PCUMC is hosting three days on doing just that.