Note to Self

Things I want to look at:
How I "ration" attention, believing that I can only get so much from any given person before I reach my quota and am abandoned (e.g., today in group I asked for "two minutes" of time!). As a result, I divide attention between my many concerns, rush to a conclusion and don't really get what I need for any one of them individually (then I get angry with myself for that!). Interesting that this came up today, shortly after I wrote about rationing requests in my last post. I also do this with money; an example occurred just last week, when Scott bought me a gorgeous pair of boots I wanted but was too torn up to buy myself. God, the universe and everything pointing to what I need to look at!

Guilt being a part of that theme, I also want to look at why I separate or disconnect myself from bad happenings (such as my uncle who is currently dying) and the people involved. For one, I can't take care of them (that's about me and not a service to them, I know). Stranger, it's like I "forget" it's happening. But then, it seems I grew up in a family fond of pretending everything is okay, so there's a clue. Also must remember to share this with Scott; that is, all the secrecy and withholding of information, so he can understand why it's so scary for me when he doesn't give me an answer to even the simplest of questions.

Hope I'll be able to decipher this later...