No Comment

This week, I finally gave someone the URLs to my blogs. Was I ready? I don't know. Good friend that she is, she had the insight to ask whether I wanted a response. Wow, I instant-messaged back, let me think about that and get back to you. Over the next 24 hours I realized that the part of me that is desperate for approval wants lots of feedback and comments that will make me feel good. And it's the part of me that is afraid of being judged and criticized that has kept me from giving out the URLs in the the first place (of these blogs, and the aborted attempt at one 18 months ago. That one I wound up keeping on my local drive as a personal journal!). So I have two recordings to replace: the one that says my voice is worthless (no one is listening, anyway), and the one that says it's only as good as others say it is (well, maybe those are the same recording). Add to the mix what if I'm wrong and it has to be perfect, and you have me paralyzed in fear. The patterns to push against are constantly seeking approval (what do you think?), and hiding my work altogether to avoid disapproval. Even writing now, you better believe I am watching my grammar and carefully screening my choice of words (isn't the point of a blog not to worry about that stuff? my friend asked)--a subtle piece of the pattern that will be hard to unwork.

So here is what I need: To be thanked and appreciated for sharing my thoughts. I don't need evaluation (good or bad) or advice (good or bad--heh!). At least not yet. Just a safe space and the knowledge that it is okay to speak, even perhaps that my voice is welcome. When that is settled in me, I'll be able to engage in more discussion.