26 August 2006
Insights on Truth and Faith
In my last entry I referenced the below, re-posted from a group forum where I am a member. Names (except Marcie's and Scott's) have been omitted to protect the innocent. ;)
Marcie-ism: Something that is true does not require our belief to make it so. It is true regardless. Our lack of belief does not invalidate it nor validate it. It simply is (i.e., you don't have to believe it for it to be true).
Therefore, just because you don't believe something doesn't mean it isn't true (e.g., just because you don't feel loved, doesn't mean you're not loved). (Click below to read more...)
Corollary: Just because you believe something doesn't make it true (e.g., I'll never be good enough; he only loves me for my money; etc).
Hebrews 11:1: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
This scripture finally made sense to me when I realized that faith is acting on the truth, even when it doesn't feel true. Last Tuesday Marcie asked what would happen if we acted as if we were loved (by a particular person).
Now, faith is always in a person (God, spouse, daughter, etc.). When I respond to Scott as if he loves me, even when I don't feel loved, I am showing faith in him, his love for me, in the person I know he is, has been and will be.
Once Scott and I planned to meet for dinner at CityWalk. He was a half-hour late. During that half-hour I told myself all kinds of stories about how inconsiderate he was, how he didn't like to go to CityWalk, how he was probably playing with the dog instead of being on time to meet me... or possibly that he had been in a car accident! Finally after running the gamut of emotional responses, I decided that I would believe in Scott. I decided that when he arrived, I would give him a kiss and say in my most sincere voice, "I'm really glad you're here." Thank God, who gave me the whole half-hour to work this out instead of having Scott arrive at a point where I would have acted angry or panicked! When I saw Scott across the way, I smiled (even though I didn't feel happy), went forward to meet him, gave him a kiss and said, "I'm really glad you're here," just as I planned (STORYBOARD!). His face had been set in what I interpreted as a negative expression, but at that point I saw his whole body and face relax, like something went out of him (probably he was preparing to defend himself against me!), and he said, "traffic was terrible," and I validated that. And dinner was nice.
Marcie-ism: Trust is Truth over Time.
This is why I record news & goods about Scott, whether on my blog, a journal or scraps of paper in a jar. So I can remind myself of Truth and see a pattern of Scott's faithfulness. For me, this also applies to God (on whom we place our childhood wounds); and it's how we encourage each other in our faith, by reminding each other of God's faithfulness. In group we remind each other of truth all the time (being transformed by the renewing of the mind, Romans 12:2 my paraphrasing), which is important because as we know--
Group-ism: I am only as good as the last good thing I did, but as bad as every bad thing I've ever done.
--and we apply that group-ism to other people, too (e.g., Scott does one bad thing and all I remember is how horrible he is, not all the good things).
Another definition of faith that Marcie shared is: Faith is believing when all evidence points to the contrary. I think the key is remembering that we can make any available evidence fit our current frame. So another way we can demonstrate faith is by changing our frame.
P.S.:
This is the kind of personal theology (how God works in my everyday life) that I'm constantly working out in my journey, ever since I realized 3+ years ago that there is only one of me and I can only have one journey (vs. separate spiritual, emotional, career, marriage journeys).
Back to the Truth
This morning in one of the little devotionals inside my bible I read this:
Our feelings can change from day to day, and even from hour to hour. As a result, there are times when we must WILL to affirm and express our love to our mate.
Bother. This is another one of those times when everything I encounter points to the one place I need to grow, isn't it? And I should happen to read this the morning after a not-so-loving incident with Scott; our new "core scene", if you will. It's so hard to embrace opportunities to grow, especially because they usually don't feel very good!
It points back to Truth. As I'm sure I've written before, I have to act in Truth, with faith in Scott, not in the behavior-of-the-moment (his or mine). This morning as he kissed me good-bye, I smiled and said a quick prayer over him (which I have taken to doing in the last few weeks), even though I wasn't feeling very charitable. His response was so positive and completely loving as he blessed me in return. I was instantly chagrined that I had almost skipped this little ritual between us; the only person I would have been hurting was ME.
Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 1 John 3:18-20
It's been so long since I've written in this blog (so much has happened!), that I went back and read my last entry. In it were examples of Scott's love and growth that I had "recorded for [God's] glory and [my] encouragement". Marcie's right; there really is some chemical change in the brain when you read this stuff, because I feel better (ironically amused with myself) already! And God knows this (after all, he designed us), which is why we are instructed to remember.
This reminds me of another post in the same vein, which I wrote on a group forum where I am a member. I'll repost it as my next entry.
Our feelings can change from day to day, and even from hour to hour. As a result, there are times when we must WILL to affirm and express our love to our mate.
Bother. This is another one of those times when everything I encounter points to the one place I need to grow, isn't it? And I should happen to read this the morning after a not-so-loving incident with Scott; our new "core scene", if you will. It's so hard to embrace opportunities to grow, especially because they usually don't feel very good!
It points back to Truth. As I'm sure I've written before, I have to act in Truth, with faith in Scott, not in the behavior-of-the-moment (his or mine). This morning as he kissed me good-bye, I smiled and said a quick prayer over him (which I have taken to doing in the last few weeks), even though I wasn't feeling very charitable. His response was so positive and completely loving as he blessed me in return. I was instantly chagrined that I had almost skipped this little ritual between us; the only person I would have been hurting was ME.
Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 1 John 3:18-20
It's been so long since I've written in this blog (so much has happened!), that I went back and read my last entry. In it were examples of Scott's love and growth that I had "recorded for [God's] glory and [my] encouragement". Marcie's right; there really is some chemical change in the brain when you read this stuff, because I feel better (ironically amused with myself) already! And God knows this (after all, he designed us), which is why we are instructed to remember.
This reminds me of another post in the same vein, which I wrote on a group forum where I am a member. I'll repost it as my next entry.
31 May 2006
Notice how far you've come, not how far you still have to go!
Early this morning when Scott kissed me good-bye (my favorite part of every day), he asked where I was going to be today. When I told him I'd be home, he said he would try to come home early. I immediately felt loved. What I heard was that my being here is a good enough reason for him to come home, that he enjoys being home because of ME! I remember when he used to work late all the time. Even though he doesn't always make it home as early as he wishes, my perception is that now he wants to come home more than he wants to work late.
Yesterday I shared some "news and goods" about Scott in group and was reminded of how important it is to record them, to notice how far he's (we've) come. Then this morning in my devotional book I read: The memories of these special times are important reminders of God's love and goodness in our lives, and they need to be recorded for His glory and our encouragement.
So here are some more!
This weekend we went to the range to try out the club AR-15 Scott borrowed for me to learn. I kept noticing how patient and encouraging, relaxed and humorous he was with me, especially in places where I started to get frustrated or confused. Notice I said "started to"; his response diffused it right away. He told me how well I was doing and asked specific questions to help me. He treated me like a peer, made good suggestions and let me decide what I wanted to do next. This is what he's been like since he introduced me to his sport a few months ago. It's such a direct contrast to when he taught me to drive the boat almost four years ago. My experience of him then was impatient, frustrated and unable to understand what my problem was (although, a seed had already been planted from our early work with Marcie and I specifically remember him once calling out from behind the boat--after first criticizing me--"you're doing good, Hon!"). We do to others what was done to us, and Scott's dad was what he called a "negative coach": Scott got the most attention from him when he was doing it wrong, and hardly ever when he was doing it right. So at the end of the day when I shared all this with Scott and appreciated him for it, I told him it was important for him to notice, too. He's breaking a generational cycle, no easy feat, which gives me hope for our non-existent future kids, too.
By the way, I meant to tell him this as we were leaving the range, but I stopped with it on the tip of my tongue and asked instead whether he was ready to receive a compliment I wanted to give him. That's a switch for me, because I tend to just lay things on him without warning. He looked at me funny and replied, "I'm driving," which was just beautiful. In the old days he would have told me to spit it out, and here he was telling me in a roundabout way that he wanted to be in a position to hear me! I think he is getting better at receiving compliments, too. (We decided to wait until we got home.)
This weekend we had to replace our broken clothes washer. Now, with the exception of buying a house, for some reason we have always been a good team when it comes to shopping for major purchases like cars and appliances. But Saturday we hit a wall where I had my heart set on a machine that cost almost twice what Scott planned to spend. Every time he questioned me on it, I got defensive. Finally he said, "I'm just trying to understand why you're set on that particular machine." The clarity and honest in his words and tone interrupted my pattern and melted my defensiveness. I said quietly, "I'm trying to understand it, too." I realized that I wasn't even sure whether I really wanted the other machine, or was just stuck in a pattern of fighting for something he didn't want me to have. In the end we bought the less expensive machine, which it turns out I am ecstatically pleased with. And I thanked him for letting me work that out for myself.
When I notice how far he's come, it draws me farther. It used to be that my responses helped changed his. Now his are changing mine, too! It feels more than ever like a partnership in growth.
Yesterday I shared some "news and goods" about Scott in group and was reminded of how important it is to record them, to notice how far he's (we've) come. Then this morning in my devotional book I read: The memories of these special times are important reminders of God's love and goodness in our lives, and they need to be recorded for His glory and our encouragement.
So here are some more!
This weekend we went to the range to try out the club AR-15 Scott borrowed for me to learn. I kept noticing how patient and encouraging, relaxed and humorous he was with me, especially in places where I started to get frustrated or confused. Notice I said "started to"; his response diffused it right away. He told me how well I was doing and asked specific questions to help me. He treated me like a peer, made good suggestions and let me decide what I wanted to do next. This is what he's been like since he introduced me to his sport a few months ago. It's such a direct contrast to when he taught me to drive the boat almost four years ago. My experience of him then was impatient, frustrated and unable to understand what my problem was (although, a seed had already been planted from our early work with Marcie and I specifically remember him once calling out from behind the boat--after first criticizing me--"you're doing good, Hon!"). We do to others what was done to us, and Scott's dad was what he called a "negative coach": Scott got the most attention from him when he was doing it wrong, and hardly ever when he was doing it right. So at the end of the day when I shared all this with Scott and appreciated him for it, I told him it was important for him to notice, too. He's breaking a generational cycle, no easy feat, which gives me hope for our non-existent future kids, too.
By the way, I meant to tell him this as we were leaving the range, but I stopped with it on the tip of my tongue and asked instead whether he was ready to receive a compliment I wanted to give him. That's a switch for me, because I tend to just lay things on him without warning. He looked at me funny and replied, "I'm driving," which was just beautiful. In the old days he would have told me to spit it out, and here he was telling me in a roundabout way that he wanted to be in a position to hear me! I think he is getting better at receiving compliments, too. (We decided to wait until we got home.)
This weekend we had to replace our broken clothes washer. Now, with the exception of buying a house, for some reason we have always been a good team when it comes to shopping for major purchases like cars and appliances. But Saturday we hit a wall where I had my heart set on a machine that cost almost twice what Scott planned to spend. Every time he questioned me on it, I got defensive. Finally he said, "I'm just trying to understand why you're set on that particular machine." The clarity and honest in his words and tone interrupted my pattern and melted my defensiveness. I said quietly, "I'm trying to understand it, too." I realized that I wasn't even sure whether I really wanted the other machine, or was just stuck in a pattern of fighting for something he didn't want me to have. In the end we bought the less expensive machine, which it turns out I am ecstatically pleased with. And I thanked him for letting me work that out for myself.
When I notice how far he's come, it draws me farther. It used to be that my responses helped changed his. Now his are changing mine, too! It feels more than ever like a partnership in growth.
31 March 2006
Connecting the dots
I just saw a connection between my last two posts (Trying too hard and Crazy in love). Inbetween realizing that I don't have it all together and now, I've started asking for help. I start most days with some quiet time, bible/study reading, and asking God to fill me with his Spirit and lead me through the day. Some days I feel like I get it, and some days I don't feel anything at all (hm, what was that "book title" Marcie shared just this week, on how feelings can lie!). But what I think I am doing is altering my view, setting my frame for the day. So, everything looks different, and I act different in turn. Hmmmm...
Crazy in Love
The past three weeks or so, I've been finding Scott (my husband) really attractive. Electrifying, even; I'm drawn to him, crazy in love! I've been appreciating him in bits, so tonight I finally shared this all with him.
One thing I've noticed over several weeks (maybe months) is that when Scott asks for me, I respond quickly (or at least tell him right away if I can't). It signifies a level of trust: I have faith that when he calls for me or asks me to do something, he has a good reason (vs. feeling like he's interrupting or demanding, or asking him why). Once he called for me and I came running, to find he just wanted to show me the neighbor's tree blooming, because he knew I'd like it! More recently I've noticed that he responds as quickly to me. He's also asking me for things that in his eyes only I can do, like alter his shooting jacket or help pay the bills. He asks in a way that expresses confidence in me, and I am really responding to that by stepping up (this week he talked me through paying all the bills myself, without either of us getting frustrated!). All these things make me feel treasured and esteemed; for the first time in our relationship I KNOW for SURE he thinks very highly of me.
Now that he is pursuing a hobby he really enjoys (marksmanship), it adds to his attractiveness. It's like he's putting more Scott-ness into the world. That instead of the guy that goes to work all day, then comes home and works around the house, I'm seeing a fuller picture of Scott. I absolutely love watching him at something that's play for him; it brings out facets I don't get to see in the hard working man. I love to see him laugh around the other guys, get excited (in his subdued fashion) when he does well, get totally absorbed in his hobby.
I feel almost like when we were dating; better, actually, full to bursting and content. I can't stop talking about him; little things make me think of him; thinking of him is exciting; and did I mention he is really damn sexy!
I told him all this in a less polished way, and am also writing it so that I don't forget. So that when I get crazy restimulated, I remember all this good. I told him that, too. THIS is the real thing, not the other way around. Amazingly, even though he declined to mirror me, he seemed able to receive; he assured me that he got it, and spontaneously appreciated me for it.
In group a few weeks ago, we talked about passion, how it's related to connection, if you could have it in the middle of all this work. Here it is!
One thing I've noticed over several weeks (maybe months) is that when Scott asks for me, I respond quickly (or at least tell him right away if I can't). It signifies a level of trust: I have faith that when he calls for me or asks me to do something, he has a good reason (vs. feeling like he's interrupting or demanding, or asking him why). Once he called for me and I came running, to find he just wanted to show me the neighbor's tree blooming, because he knew I'd like it! More recently I've noticed that he responds as quickly to me. He's also asking me for things that in his eyes only I can do, like alter his shooting jacket or help pay the bills. He asks in a way that expresses confidence in me, and I am really responding to that by stepping up (this week he talked me through paying all the bills myself, without either of us getting frustrated!). All these things make me feel treasured and esteemed; for the first time in our relationship I KNOW for SURE he thinks very highly of me.
Now that he is pursuing a hobby he really enjoys (marksmanship), it adds to his attractiveness. It's like he's putting more Scott-ness into the world. That instead of the guy that goes to work all day, then comes home and works around the house, I'm seeing a fuller picture of Scott. I absolutely love watching him at something that's play for him; it brings out facets I don't get to see in the hard working man. I love to see him laugh around the other guys, get excited (in his subdued fashion) when he does well, get totally absorbed in his hobby.
I feel almost like when we were dating; better, actually, full to bursting and content. I can't stop talking about him; little things make me think of him; thinking of him is exciting; and did I mention he is really damn sexy!
I told him all this in a less polished way, and am also writing it so that I don't forget. So that when I get crazy restimulated, I remember all this good. I told him that, too. THIS is the real thing, not the other way around. Amazingly, even though he declined to mirror me, he seemed able to receive; he assured me that he got it, and spontaneously appreciated me for it.
In group a few weeks ago, we talked about passion, how it's related to connection, if you could have it in the middle of all this work. Here it is!
06 March 2006
Trying too hard
I'm trying too hard.
My church is currently hosting an event, The Holy Spirit Encounter. This afternoon Blake (our pastor) taught on the Holy Spirit. I have heard him say many times that we can't make things happen, it's the Spirit in us, or the Holy Spirit power that does it. I've never been able to make this jive with not being passive, like people who pray and wait for God to zap them with a magic wand, taking no responsibility or action at all. During a break I asked Blake about this and he said... Good question! It's about being so intimate with God that the Spirit shows you what you need to do (like going to therapy); that the Spirit won't let you be passive, but leads you to action. It made no sense to me before he put it in that context, of intimacy with God, which is a huge theme in everything he teaches and preaches. Then it seemed so simple.
Last night I was totally restimulated by Scott, and although I knew the right, I couldn't bring myself to do it (or rather, I pretended to, in a self-serving way). This morning I read several chapters in the Bible but made no sense of it. I'm missing this intimacy, this power. I used to have it (remember a couple of years ago when Marcie asked me to share how I managed to go into containment during a particularly difficult session with Scott? I went out of the room, had my frustration out with God, and asked for his Holy Spirit power to go back in there and do the right thing even though I didn't feel like it.). How do I get it back? Blake said keep surrendering, keep asking.
Blake said most people relate to God the way they related to their father. Hm, Marcie once said almost the same thing--that people put their childhood wounds on God. That explains a lot!
A couple of weeks ago my "news & goods" was how I'd been smacked with the realization (through another Scott-moment) that as much as I thought I knew and as "advanced" as I thought I was, I'm NOT! Tonight that was even more startlingly obvious. I also realized that it has been a good long while since I have truly been in the service of anyone. Like when I'm in "containment" with Scott, instead of being in his service I am cleverly trying to manipulate (but I can fool myself into thinking I'm in his service). And when people call me for help or attention, I stay in my head and egotistically give them advice out of what I know instead of being curious, asking questions or offering validation, contradiction, or attention that helps them move into discharge and healing. I separate myself with the idea that I am somehow better because I once admitted I was worse (and judging the Christians who don't). But I am putting less out there these days. As if I have "arrived" at some level and shouldn't have to do any more work in humility, that Scott (and others) should now be doing for me. And I try to make them, in roundabout ways that seem therapeutically correct (Marcie might say, "NICE TRY!!!").
Can I apply this realization? Obviously not without Holy Spirit power and lots of help! I asked God to keep showing me, breaking me. I used to be broken, to experience "Godly sorrow" and the surprisingly wonderful things that came out of it. But I guess I can't experience it once and expect that to serve me the rest of my life!
P.S. I have lately been trying to figure out what to do with my life next (focussing on the outcome instead of embracing the process, which is very much related to everything I'm writing). Flipping through a book by Harry and Cheryl Salem entitled Distractions from Destiny, my eyes fell on a page that said, if you don't know what to do with your life, stop seeking what you should do and seek God! After all I've been through I still can't say I know how to seek God, so I don't think it's any coincidence that I'm at this place at this time, when PCUMC is hosting three days on doing just that.
My church is currently hosting an event, The Holy Spirit Encounter. This afternoon Blake (our pastor) taught on the Holy Spirit. I have heard him say many times that we can't make things happen, it's the Spirit in us, or the Holy Spirit power that does it. I've never been able to make this jive with not being passive, like people who pray and wait for God to zap them with a magic wand, taking no responsibility or action at all. During a break I asked Blake about this and he said... Good question! It's about being so intimate with God that the Spirit shows you what you need to do (like going to therapy); that the Spirit won't let you be passive, but leads you to action. It made no sense to me before he put it in that context, of intimacy with God, which is a huge theme in everything he teaches and preaches. Then it seemed so simple.
Last night I was totally restimulated by Scott, and although I knew the right, I couldn't bring myself to do it (or rather, I pretended to, in a self-serving way). This morning I read several chapters in the Bible but made no sense of it. I'm missing this intimacy, this power. I used to have it (remember a couple of years ago when Marcie asked me to share how I managed to go into containment during a particularly difficult session with Scott? I went out of the room, had my frustration out with God, and asked for his Holy Spirit power to go back in there and do the right thing even though I didn't feel like it.). How do I get it back? Blake said keep surrendering, keep asking.
Blake said most people relate to God the way they related to their father. Hm, Marcie once said almost the same thing--that people put their childhood wounds on God. That explains a lot!
A couple of weeks ago my "news & goods" was how I'd been smacked with the realization (through another Scott-moment) that as much as I thought I knew and as "advanced" as I thought I was, I'm NOT! Tonight that was even more startlingly obvious. I also realized that it has been a good long while since I have truly been in the service of anyone. Like when I'm in "containment" with Scott, instead of being in his service I am cleverly trying to manipulate (but I can fool myself into thinking I'm in his service). And when people call me for help or attention, I stay in my head and egotistically give them advice out of what I know instead of being curious, asking questions or offering validation, contradiction, or attention that helps them move into discharge and healing. I separate myself with the idea that I am somehow better because I once admitted I was worse (and judging the Christians who don't). But I am putting less out there these days. As if I have "arrived" at some level and shouldn't have to do any more work in humility, that Scott (and others) should now be doing for me. And I try to make them, in roundabout ways that seem therapeutically correct (Marcie might say, "NICE TRY!!!").
Can I apply this realization? Obviously not without Holy Spirit power and lots of help! I asked God to keep showing me, breaking me. I used to be broken, to experience "Godly sorrow" and the surprisingly wonderful things that came out of it. But I guess I can't experience it once and expect that to serve me the rest of my life!
P.S. I have lately been trying to figure out what to do with my life next (focussing on the outcome instead of embracing the process, which is very much related to everything I'm writing). Flipping through a book by Harry and Cheryl Salem entitled Distractions from Destiny, my eyes fell on a page that said, if you don't know what to do with your life, stop seeking what you should do and seek God! After all I've been through I still can't say I know how to seek God, so I don't think it's any coincidence that I'm at this place at this time, when PCUMC is hosting three days on doing just that.
01 January 2006
Family Patterns
There's nothing like the holidays to really bring out the obvious... While spending time around my parents, I noticed some really startling stuff that got me thinking about my own patterns. Ron and I compared notes later, and he referred to this as seeing with his "third eye", which really fits! Click "Read more..." below to see the four things that really jumped out at me.
Take 1:
First, I joined my dad on a shopping expedition for my mom's Christmas gift. She had requested matching wedding rings, which was a tall order considering Dad hand-cast their original matching rings 36 years ago in an Army dental lab in Vietnam. Dad lost his ring years ago, and Mom's no longer fit. But, I digress. So, this particular day Dad is complaining that Mom had added diamonds to her request (she never had a diamond ring), and stressing so much over picking out the wrong thing that he winds up buying nothing at all. Then he wound up taking Mom out later that week so she could pick it herself. See the wound? Whatever I do, it's not good enough.
Take 2:
In the course of lamenting over how hard it is to please Mom (and trust me, I know), Dad tells me a story about buying Mom a new (used) car last month. It was unbelievable. He made the deal of the decade with the dealership, but at every step of the way Mom kept giving him not good enough (I later learned from Ron that her telling Dad "I could have got a better deal if I was with you" was code for "I'm feeling left out"). In the end Mom got the car plus $1000 cash back! Her response to this deal? "Eh, it's okay." After hearing this story I went home to Scott and actually cried telling him that I didn't want to be like this to him, because I can think of specific times I've done it before. He said he didn't think I was like that anymore, at least about material things; but I don't want to tell him it's not good enough when I ask him to spend time with me and he can only give me 15 minutes (remembering that there is a balance so long as I'm asking for what I need).
Take 3:
Still on the shopping trip, I asked Dad what I could get him for Christmas. He said he didn't need anything, then proceeded to point out several items he was interested in. HOWEVER, I almost missed it, because it sounded like this: "Oh, look, electric razors. I was thinking about getting one, but I had one before and it nicked me all the time, aw forget it, I'll just keep using a regular razor." Or looking at cologne gift sets, "You know, I like Stetson, but I don't see why they have to put all these lotions and extra junk in there, all I need is a bottle of cologne." The first couple of times I didn't pay attention--I already knew what I was going to get--but after the third time all of a sudden my third eye opened up and I realized OH MY GOD, THIS IS HOW HE ASKS FOR WHAT HE NEEDS!!!! So I got him a single bottle of Stetson, and for confirmation, when he opened it Christmas Day he grinned and said loudly, "Audrey, you heard me loud and clear, girl; you heard me loud and clear!" HOLY CRAP I nearly fell off my chair I was so shocked--he KNEW what he was doing! And this is where I learned to drop hints instead of asking for what I need straight up; and that if you love me, you'll pay attention and notice.
Take 4:
Christmas Day, Mom is in her usual frenzy of making sure everything is going the way she planned it in her head, the perfect day. This includes making more food than we need (even when we told her we had enough), and requiring us all to sit down together and watch a movie on the big screen (even though half of us had to leave part way through, and she herself never actually sat down in front of the screen). At one point she was interrupting the Actual Good Time we were having by posing us for photos. She called for Dad to take her photo with Jeff and Michele: "Dad, take a picture of us. Dad! RONALD! Come and take a picture! DAD, I want a picture with Jeff, come here please!" Dad, who was in the middle of a conversation and gift-unwrapping, never had a chance to respond before her repeated requests escalated. Scott leaned over to me and said, "Now I know where you get it!" Later he admitted that I did at least give him a chance to answer before I called again! But I know what it's like to feel unheard, and it makes sense that Mom repeats herself so insistently to make sure she is (even if you are thoroughly annoyed by the time she gets your attention!).
Ron and I saw these patterns even more clearly when we went over to have a chat with our parents last Thursday, but that is a whole other post...
Take 1:
First, I joined my dad on a shopping expedition for my mom's Christmas gift. She had requested matching wedding rings, which was a tall order considering Dad hand-cast their original matching rings 36 years ago in an Army dental lab in Vietnam. Dad lost his ring years ago, and Mom's no longer fit. But, I digress. So, this particular day Dad is complaining that Mom had added diamonds to her request (she never had a diamond ring), and stressing so much over picking out the wrong thing that he winds up buying nothing at all. Then he wound up taking Mom out later that week so she could pick it herself. See the wound? Whatever I do, it's not good enough.
Take 2:
In the course of lamenting over how hard it is to please Mom (and trust me, I know), Dad tells me a story about buying Mom a new (used) car last month. It was unbelievable. He made the deal of the decade with the dealership, but at every step of the way Mom kept giving him not good enough (I later learned from Ron that her telling Dad "I could have got a better deal if I was with you" was code for "I'm feeling left out"). In the end Mom got the car plus $1000 cash back! Her response to this deal? "Eh, it's okay." After hearing this story I went home to Scott and actually cried telling him that I didn't want to be like this to him, because I can think of specific times I've done it before. He said he didn't think I was like that anymore, at least about material things; but I don't want to tell him it's not good enough when I ask him to spend time with me and he can only give me 15 minutes (remembering that there is a balance so long as I'm asking for what I need).
Take 3:
Still on the shopping trip, I asked Dad what I could get him for Christmas. He said he didn't need anything, then proceeded to point out several items he was interested in. HOWEVER, I almost missed it, because it sounded like this: "Oh, look, electric razors. I was thinking about getting one, but I had one before and it nicked me all the time, aw forget it, I'll just keep using a regular razor." Or looking at cologne gift sets, "You know, I like Stetson, but I don't see why they have to put all these lotions and extra junk in there, all I need is a bottle of cologne." The first couple of times I didn't pay attention--I already knew what I was going to get--but after the third time all of a sudden my third eye opened up and I realized OH MY GOD, THIS IS HOW HE ASKS FOR WHAT HE NEEDS!!!! So I got him a single bottle of Stetson, and for confirmation, when he opened it Christmas Day he grinned and said loudly, "Audrey, you heard me loud and clear, girl; you heard me loud and clear!" HOLY CRAP I nearly fell off my chair I was so shocked--he KNEW what he was doing! And this is where I learned to drop hints instead of asking for what I need straight up; and that if you love me, you'll pay attention and notice.
Take 4:
Christmas Day, Mom is in her usual frenzy of making sure everything is going the way she planned it in her head, the perfect day. This includes making more food than we need (even when we told her we had enough), and requiring us all to sit down together and watch a movie on the big screen (even though half of us had to leave part way through, and she herself never actually sat down in front of the screen). At one point she was interrupting the Actual Good Time we were having by posing us for photos. She called for Dad to take her photo with Jeff and Michele: "Dad, take a picture of us. Dad! RONALD! Come and take a picture! DAD, I want a picture with Jeff, come here please!" Dad, who was in the middle of a conversation and gift-unwrapping, never had a chance to respond before her repeated requests escalated. Scott leaned over to me and said, "Now I know where you get it!" Later he admitted that I did at least give him a chance to answer before I called again! But I know what it's like to feel unheard, and it makes sense that Mom repeats herself so insistently to make sure she is (even if you are thoroughly annoyed by the time she gets your attention!).
Ron and I saw these patterns even more clearly when we went over to have a chat with our parents last Thursday, but that is a whole other post...
17 December 2005
An illusion
Well, it's been an entirely difficult and restimulating day all the way around. Lately I've begun to wonder if I'm in love with the idea that I work hard in my marriage, because I certainly don't feel I've actually been tackling any work lately, or at least not going into containment as willingly or completely as I used to. Sometimes I flatly refuse it, and then weep because both the refusal and willingness are half-hearted, and I can't have the satisfaction either of acting out or doing the right thing. I've a certain amount of pride in what I've accomplished over the last four years, and less patience with those who give up, which is quite different from how I used to feel (compassion and grief). So now I'm thinking these are shells I'm building around my own dissatisfaction, so I don't have to look at it. Shaina, if you're reading, thanks for sending the notes today; they were timely!
Today we rented Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. There's a scene where Christopher Lee (as Willie Wonka's dentist father) declares that no son of his would ever be a chocolatier. When young Willie decides to leave home to pursue his passion, his father threatens, "I won't be here when you get back" (way to inflict that Exploration wound, dad!). When he returns a few hours later, not only is his father gone but his entire home has been ripped from the block of townhouses, leaving only snow drifting into the gaping hole. I thought, it's really that terrifying when we're kids; it feels like we're going to die.
Today we rented Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. There's a scene where Christopher Lee (as Willie Wonka's dentist father) declares that no son of his would ever be a chocolatier. When young Willie decides to leave home to pursue his passion, his father threatens, "I won't be here when you get back" (way to inflict that Exploration wound, dad!). When he returns a few hours later, not only is his father gone but his entire home has been ripped from the block of townhouses, leaving only snow drifting into the gaping hole. I thought, it's really that terrifying when we're kids; it feels like we're going to die.
06 December 2005
I'm Back
I returned from L.A. about two hours ago. I'm so emotionally spent right now. I didn't realize how much so until I tried to describe bits of my experiences to Scott. Saturday I felt like I'd lived a whole week in one day; every couple of hours was a complete change from the ones before. The trip was filled with so many highs and lows, I feel like I crammed a whole month's worth of emotional/spiritual experiences into a four-day weekend. So when Scott asked how the trip was, I couldn't process. I want to journal about it, but right now I'm afraid all I'd wind up doing is recording a laundry list of activities. So I'll try to absorb it instead.
Wake up call
Last night we were up so late that by the time we remembered to call for a wake-up call, the hotel staff weren't answering the phone. So after trying to figure out how to set the bedside alarm clock and the alarm feature on my celphone, I asked God to please make sure I woke up by 6:30 so I wouldn't miss my ride or flight! Oddly for me, I actually had the sense that he would wake me. At 6:19AM, my celphone rang. It was one of my good hostesses, calling me at a decent East Coast hour. As soon as I hung up I realized this was God's wake up call and had a good laugh. I'll have to call and tell her tomorrow; she felt so bad for waking me!
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